I'm 38. Today. I started the day wondering where did the
time go. What do I really have to show for this life of mine? I have two
beautiful daughters. I have a home that I always dreamed of back when we were
first starting out. It stands on wooded property large enough for young ones to
roam about and safely play. I have a husband who still looks good to me after
17 years of marriage (and yes I know...I was a baby when I got married, but
that is a conversation for another day). I am now embarking on a new adventure
of being stay-at-home mom after years of working in dead end jobs that I hated
until finally finding my calling as a teacher just eight years ago. Middle age
is advancing quickly. I hear it calling to me in the distance. Yet, strangely,
I feel peaceful about it. So I have more wrinkles now and my body has battle
scars from pregnancies and childbirth. Somehow those things don't matter today.
They represent strength and wisdom.
Honestly, I never liked my twenties much. I was always
second guessing myself and my life. I always felt that there was a better life
out there and a better self out there that I never could find. It was always
hiding from me somewhere and not finding it was just another example of
failure. All my friends seemed to find jobs in their fields that sounded so
wonderful and I wasn't even sure what I was supposed to be doing with my
Psychology degree.
I finally found my calling when I
pursued becoming a middle school English teacher in my thirties. I loved everything
about it from my nutty kids just starting the temporary insanity of adolescence
to the smell of my green spiral bound grade book. It brought back the joy I had
felt as an eight year old playing school with my very first student who
conveniently happened to be my sister. Incidentally, she happened to go on to
become a doctor so I must have been pretty darn good if I do say so myself.
So here I am now. 40 right around the corner and sitting at
my great grandmother's kitchen table with hand prints all over the protective
glass top and a daisy print bib thrown haphazardly on the corner. Motherhood is
my calling now. I would be lying if I said it was easy. It takes all that I am
and then some making me rely on a God that I always knew but in an entirely
different way now. Even as I write this my oldest comes running in saying,
"Can I sit on your lap?" So I am paid in as many hugs and kisses as can be gathered up in a day. I have to admit it is a wonderful job perk. Some day
sooner rather than later I know I will be writing here at this same table
wondering where all the time with my girls went and I will be missing those ordinary
extraordinary days.
Sweet cuz, I could have written this blog....I will be 49 this year, and you are right, I look at my boys and wonder where did the time go? As we helped our youngest move into his apartment in Athens this fall, I kept thinking, "surely he can't be old enough for college", but here we are. Like you, I devoted myself to staying home while the boys were young, then re-entered the workforce once they were in school. Now an empty nester, I am once again reinventing myself and wondering what the future holds. You are right to treasure these ordinary extraordinary days for surely they are a gift from God.
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