Treasure

I feel a freedom this first week back at home that I haven’t felt in a long time. For the first time in a long time I am enjoying being home instead of feeling like my house is controlling me and running my life with constant bombarding thoughts such as, “I should be doing this right now”. Most days my mind felt scattered and it was difficult to concentrate on the task at hand.  Every day felt like a treadmill that I was unable to escape from. Sometimes you have to say goodbye to something that isn’t working even when you want it so desperately to work.

I had a discussion with my dad while visiting him. I actually wrote down in my day timer that I needed to talk to him about the way he organizes his calendar since he is one of the most organized people I know and has recently transitioned from working to being retired. That is how my mind is working these days. If it doesn’t get written down it might not happen and very likely won’t. Such is life right now. I’m hoping that one day when I get to sleep through the night that will change, but for now I am accepting it as it is and trying to get over it. My day timer system just isn’t working for me now that I’m not working outside of the home. There are too many things to write in it now that I don’t have a work calendar at school collecting the bulk of my day, those work related items and leaving only personal items on my personal calendar. Limited personal items I should add since most of my time was spent working. Now with my oldest in preschool and with my activities and new responsibilities that I have both in the home and out, the old way just hasn’t been adequate. I purchased a daily checklist calendar to supplement my current day timer to remind me of chores that needed to get done. It also included seasonal cleaning items. As much as I wanted and needed that system to work it began to create in me a feeling of bondage. It began to be a reminder of things that hadn’t been done and it became an unconscious source of stress. During our discussion my dad told me that I was micromanaging my organization. He should have just told me that I was being neurotic. He would have been entirely correct.

So I said goodbye to my little checklist this week. Sometimes the tidiest of things can cause the most trouble. I decided that it doesn’t matter that my house won’t win any awards for cleanliness like it would have for all those years without kids. People always used to comment on that when they would come over. Besides, who really is going to inspect my drawers but me?

I find it easy to get fearful of freedom and I suspect that it is a common issue for us women. I tend to want to fill empty spaces of all kinds with stuff of any sort. You name it- activities, bargain hunting and couponing, food, pointless computer surfing, wasteful shopping, and of course obsessive cleaning and its good friend organization. Then I have to ask myself, “What am I running from?” So often it is unpleasant, uncomfortable feelings. I read today in my devotion that things that cause us the most anxiety can also be the source of the most growth. So true in my life.  This school year staying home has made me realize that. I actually went into this stay-at-home mom stage of my life with very mixed emotions including a huge helping of fear. How could I manage my spirited preschooler while tending to the needs of a baby, manage a household, and step up my church volunteering all without losing myself and having  it all come crashing down on my head? In my mind there was so much to do, but the day seemed to stretch forever. What if I got bored? It sounds almost comical to me now.

It has all been a process this year of trying out different strategies to see what fits my mothering and homemaking styles and what works for my family. A checklist approach sure sounded good until I began to see others as a hindrance to my list of items to accomplish for the day. I began to suspect that I was in over my head when I read someone’s internet comment about this checklist approach telling the creator of it that she loved the system but she wanted to know when was she supposed to make time for her own “to do” list.  It was a wakeup call as I realized that I barely have time for my own list let alone someone else’s ideas of what needs to be accomplished.

So now I am trying a more flexible approach to homemaking. Emptying the garbage when the moment presents itself with a Monday/Friday routine ideal but knowing that life and people will get in the way of that sometimes and that is okay. And really, what pictures do I carry around to show people- not ones of my shining sink that is for sure.

The Bible says, “For where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” I don’t want my treasure to be in things or even in accomplishments.  I don’t want my kids to say one day, “Mom really kept an organized and clean house, but she didn’t make time for us.” That would really be a tragedy. So it is that the chains fell off this week and I am free. It turns out that the key was within my reach the entire time.