Being Real

It is hard to be real sometimes. I would venture to say even most of the time. Being fake is easier and it doesn’t hurt as much in the moment. The cost comes later, however. It costs the soul and creates a barrier to those around us. Often the barrier allows us to see those surrounding us but we are unable to hear their words of comfort or feel their hands of help. We are unable to reach out and feel them.

Being real takes time and energy which are two things I lack right now in my life which causes me to want to blame someone or something, myself included. I want to hunt the focus of my blame down and thus in the hunting I waste more of myself that can never be returned. So I lose pieces of myself. I am allowing myself and my focus to become fragmented. And that hurts too.

I am in a dark place right now of daily physical pain and I find myself wanting to escape. My mind wants to escape any way that it can. So I busy myself and I have difficulty slowing down. Like slowing down will allow the pain to catch up and have a tighter grip on me. Like it is alive and bares its fangs. The irony being that in movement the pain is eased. So I am caught in a cycle.

Being honest hurts too and I realize that I have to be or risk wasting this experience which would be even more tragic. So I must ask myself to forgive myself for my failings and I must cling to the One who never fails me. Therein lies my healing.