Being Real

It is hard to be real sometimes. I would venture to say even most of the time. Being fake is easier and it doesn’t hurt as much in the moment. The cost comes later, however. It costs the soul and creates a barrier to those around us. Often the barrier allows us to see those surrounding us but we are unable to hear their words of comfort or feel their hands of help. We are unable to reach out and feel them.

Being real takes time and energy which are two things I lack right now in my life which causes me to want to blame someone or something, myself included. I want to hunt the focus of my blame down and thus in the hunting I waste more of myself that can never be returned. So I lose pieces of myself. I am allowing myself and my focus to become fragmented. And that hurts too.

I am in a dark place right now of daily physical pain and I find myself wanting to escape. My mind wants to escape any way that it can. So I busy myself and I have difficulty slowing down. Like slowing down will allow the pain to catch up and have a tighter grip on me. Like it is alive and bares its fangs. The irony being that in movement the pain is eased. So I am caught in a cycle.

Being honest hurts too and I realize that I have to be or risk wasting this experience which would be even more tragic. So I must ask myself to forgive myself for my failings and I must cling to the One who never fails me. Therein lies my healing.

Thoughts on Summer

I knew that our summer was shaping up to be a busy one, but I really had no idea that it would prove to be as busy as it has been. It is funny how I remember summer being slow as a kid and neverending. As a an adult, it is anything but. How I long for the slowness, but on the days when I don't have anything planned for the kids like yesterday for example, things don't go so well and I am left feeling like this stay-at-home mom gig is simply too difficult and I want to bail.

So what have we been up to? Vacation Bible School for one which was an amazing experience that  I will never forget. I am so blessed to have been a part of it. Family arrived in town and the next day we had Riley's fourth Birthday party. This was her first real party with more friends than family. Jay and I went out of town for a much needed time of rest and relaxation. I was able to hit the spa and act like a rich lady for a while which was heavenly I must add. We returned to more family and then Lillian's first Birthday party. After that we had another week of Vacation Bible School at another church where I attend  a MOPS group. So I am now trying to catch my breath this week. I was hoping to get some cleaning done but so far that is just not happening. Life just seems to be getting in the way.

I am thinking today about how to have a full life and yet get those things done that must get done. The two must be combined somehow. The "to do" list must meet up with the "how to have a fun life" list that exists in my mind. How to make that happen is the challenge.  I don't want the frustration of not getting my "to do" list completed yet I don't want to miss out on fun and life. I don't want to waste time either. Often things need to get scheduled in order to make them happen. I'll keep thinking about it I'm sure. It will be the thought that wakes me up at night that I won't be able to shake...